November 19, 2011

It's taken a few days to be ready to have something to say. The following is real. It is not sanitized. It is not about what I "SHOULD" say. If you are faint of heart and can't handle me being real, please don't read it. Consider yourself warned.

I am feeling just fine about the mass and all it’s associated issues. The very worst that happens? I die and get to go to Heaven. That’s fabulous for me. Terrible for Tov and kids and other family. The second worst- it’s cancer and I have to get chemo and I probably lose 30 pounds. That’s not so bad either. Sure, chemo is awful, I’d be exhausted and sick, but I’d sure love to lose the weight!

I told this all to Tov last night and had him laughing. The worst case scenarios aren’t that bad in my case. I truly do feel peaceful about it. I told Tov that I wondered if something was wrong with me because I don’t feel scared or upset, just at peace. He says I’m doing just fine. :-)

I've hesitated to post anything because I've been waiting to feel something other than peaceful about the situation. What wait any more? So I'm not.

On another note, guess what Scripture my Dad emailed to me yesterday? You got it- Psalm 131 yet again. Do you think maybe God's trying to get something through to me?

A song of ascents. Of David.

¹ My heart is not proud, LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
² But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.

³ Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

The message I'm getting- I need to quiet myself as I go through this and trust the Lord completely. He is my hope. He is the source of everything I need. He's my Daddy. I'm going to sit in His arms and let Him carry wherever He wants to take me. No more running away. No more hiding. No more seeking to be in control, to do it my way. His way alone. Total acceptance on my part.

Help me to be still, Daddy. Give me grace to rest in Your arms and to go willingly wherever You want to take me. Give me the strength to trust You and the quiet spirit that I need in order to remain still in Your arms.