Thanksgiving Day November 24, 2011

I'm thinking of being thankful what with the holiday and all. I decided to post some writings that have got me thinking.

“Thankfulness is not an emotion. It is a decision of the heart.“ - Pr. Larry Ollison

From the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young:
Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity. That is why I have instructed you to give thanks for everything. There is an element of mystery in this transaction. You give Me thinks (regardless of your feelings), and I give you Joy (regardless of your circumstances). This is spiritual act of obedience- at times, blind obedience. To people who don’t know Me intimately, it can seem irrational and even impossible to thank Me for heartrending hardships. Nonetheless, those who obey Me in this way are invariably blessed, even though difficulties may remain.
Thankfulness opens your heart to My Presenece and your mind to My thoughts. You may still be in the same place, with the same set of circumstances, but it is as if a light has been switched on, enabling you to see form My perspective. It is this Light of My Presence that removes the sting from adversity.

My thoughts:
I want God’s presence in my life today and every day. If thankfulness will help accomplish that, then I am more than willingly to pursue it! It’s easy to be thankful for the things that are delightful and pleasurable in my life- my kind, nurturing husband who loves Jesus, my sweet, lovely children who bring me daily joy, my wonderful friends and family who make me feel so cherished, the love of God that flows so easily through all these relationships and reminds me that I am precious to Him and that I have an eternal destiny with Him.

And now, the tough stuff...I purpose and choose to be thankful for all things going on in my life today. I choose to be thankful for the cold I have that is preventing good sleep and for the mass that may be cancer. I choose to be thankful for our financial situation and for my husband’s joblessness. I choose to be thankful for the Great Unknown that is our future just now. I choose to be thankful that my Daddy in Heaven is in control and I AM NOT!

I ask You, Father, to help me to maintain an attitude of gratitude daily for the easy things and the difficult things in my life. I want to feel Your presence invading my life in all areas, the tough as well as the wonderful. By Your Spirit Daddy, change my hard-hearted resentments into thankfulness to You. I need Your intervention! Switch on Your light and shine into my life, illuminating Your handiwork. Thank You, Daddy for all You are doing and for hearing my prayers. Thank You most of all, for being such a good Father to me and all your children.

November 21, 2011

I have this one precious friend who has been a major source of encouragement to me. Let’s call her Deb. Deb has been there to turn my eyes to the Lord during difficult times. She is one of those people I know I could call any time day or night to ask for prayer. She is unbelievably kind and generous. I’ve known her about five years or so. I appreciate her friendship greatly. There is a problem, though. She is not always real with me.

A few years ago, we were both going through an incredibly difficult time. Both of us had specific people in our lives who were creating stress for us. I would have some good days, but many bad days. On a bad day, I was filled with despair and depression. I sometimes had suicidal thoughts (not a plan, just a thought). I was angry with God and this person and utterly frustrated. I remember going to Deb’s house and asking her how she got through it. She had nothing negative to say. Only pure joy and delight in God, total confidence that all was going according to His plan. She said she couldn’t get through without her daily time with God. That was what kept her afloat.

Here’s the thing. I left her house feeling like a total failure because I wasn’t as chipper as she was. I had two children under the age of three. I didn’t have time/quiet/space/energy to have quality time with God. I could not believe she never felt discouraged or sad. I thought it meant I was a big, huge failure at being a good daughter of God. I was happy for her, but devastated for me.

Fast forward to a couple months ago. Deb heard that I had injured my foot at work and wanted to come pray for me and let our kids play together. We had a wonderful time together. The best part? She made an admission to me. She told me that when she had gone through that stressful situation years earlier, she was absolutely furious with that person. She had major anger and could not communicate with that person at all in a healthy way. Huh? Say what? This was going on under the surface when we had our super happy get-togethers years earlier? Why didn’t she let on?

Even though I’m not in that same place of despair today, I still felt a huge relief and release in knowing that she had not truly been as perfectly happy as she appeared to be. Later, upon reflection, I thought about how sad it was that she had not been totally honest with me when she was going through the tough times. How much more refreshing and healing and encouraging it would have been if we had been real with each other!!!! Instead of leaving feeling defeated, I could have left having shared my burden with someone who understood how I felt, who was going through the same thing.

This reflection motivates me. It motivates me to call my friends on it when they are being plastic. I don’t want fake relationships. I don’t want spiritual cosmetics! It also motivates me to be real and transparent with others when it is appropriate. Healing, growth and genuine friendship can not happen if we are being fake with each other. Let’s get real!

Proverbs 27:6
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.

November 20, 2011

My Lose It For Life conference brought home for me that pain is good. Pain is a necessary part of life. It’s a necessary part of discipline. It’s crucial to experience pain in order to grow, to get healthier, to exist on this earth. The pain makes the beauty sweeter somehow. The pain is a teacher, a tool in the hand of the Master sculptor as He shaves off the bits that need to go so that we can be beautiful in His eyes.

I remember a story I once read of how someone was lauding Michelangelo on his formidable sculpting talents. His response was to say that he only revealed the beauty that was hiding in the rock. He removed the unnecessary pieces so the true art within was revealed to the eyes of all. His artist’s eye saw the potential within and his hand alone was capable of bringing forth that indescribable beauty that had been there all along.

“In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.” -Michelangelo

So it is with the Divine Artist. Our Father’s hand is reaching out to us. His touch often brings pain as He shaves off the “rough walls” that are imprisoning the beauty of the His Spirit living in us. Do we want to walk around on this earth avoiding pain, making comfort our god, enjoying pleasures only, never growing, never leaving behind that which is childish, sinful, ugly, or putrefying? I have walked that walk. The pleasure may last for a season, but the result is a kind of crippling malaise and deep dissatisfaction with life. There is some level of understanding that too much of “good” thing makes us sick.

Pain is a requirement of moving forward and embracing God’s work in our lives. What an unpleasant revelation! But so necessary! It bring to mind Romans chapter six.

From Romans 6:

Believers Are Dead to Sin, Alive to God

1 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? 2 May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it? 3 Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death? 4 Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life. 5 For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection, 6 knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin; 7 for he who has died is freed from sin.

The divine beauty of God’s Spirit came to reside within each of us when we surrendered our lives to the Father and embraced forgiveness through Jesus’ sacrifice. The death and crucifixion required of us is the hand of our Father in Heaven scraping away that which is sinful, superfluous, no longer appropriate, that which obscures the beauty of His life in us. The body of sin must be removed by His patient sculpting so that we “might walk in newness of life” along with Jesus. That newness of life is the true beauty that exists within us and can only be revealed by the Master Artist.

Daddy in Heaven, I choose now to submit to the pain that comes from Your hand as You remove the hard stone and reveal Your new life in me. I repent of withholding bits of myself from Your careful sculpting. I repent of seeking comfort instead of truth and new life in You. Please take me over completely and do whatever You need to do. I embrace Your work in my life. I long to see the beauty of Your Spirit revealed in me. Please give me the grace to stay in that place of surrender daily. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

November 19, 2011

It's taken a few days to be ready to have something to say. The following is real. It is not sanitized. It is not about what I "SHOULD" say. If you are faint of heart and can't handle me being real, please don't read it. Consider yourself warned.

I am feeling just fine about the mass and all it’s associated issues. The very worst that happens? I die and get to go to Heaven. That’s fabulous for me. Terrible for Tov and kids and other family. The second worst- it’s cancer and I have to get chemo and I probably lose 30 pounds. That’s not so bad either. Sure, chemo is awful, I’d be exhausted and sick, but I’d sure love to lose the weight!

I told this all to Tov last night and had him laughing. The worst case scenarios aren’t that bad in my case. I truly do feel peaceful about it. I told Tov that I wondered if something was wrong with me because I don’t feel scared or upset, just at peace. He says I’m doing just fine. :-)

I've hesitated to post anything because I've been waiting to feel something other than peaceful about the situation. What wait any more? So I'm not.

On another note, guess what Scripture my Dad emailed to me yesterday? You got it- Psalm 131 yet again. Do you think maybe God's trying to get something through to me?

A song of ascents. Of David.

¹ My heart is not proud, LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
² But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.

³ Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

The message I'm getting- I need to quiet myself as I go through this and trust the Lord completely. He is my hope. He is the source of everything I need. He's my Daddy. I'm going to sit in His arms and let Him carry wherever He wants to take me. No more running away. No more hiding. No more seeking to be in control, to do it my way. His way alone. Total acceptance on my part.

Help me to be still, Daddy. Give me grace to rest in Your arms and to go willingly wherever You want to take me. Give me the strength to trust You and the quiet spirit that I need in order to remain still in Your arms.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Last night I was told by my doctor that I have a mass behind my uterus. It appears to have grown between the ultrasound at the ER last week Monday and my CT scan this past Tuesday. It’s measuring at 6 by 6 by 9 cm. That’s about the size of a medium aspirin bottle, maybe a little longer. They don’t know if it’s attached to my ovaries or to my uterus. It has to come out immediately. Due to my risk factors (Mom being Ovarian cancer survivor, Dad being Ashkanazi Jewish) and due to my elevated CA 125 test, there is a risk of it being malignant. Maybe a 50% chance.

Thou art the Lord who slept upon the pillow.

Thou art the Lord who soothed the furious sea,

What matter beating wind and tossing billow

If only we are in the boat with Thee?

Hold us in quiet through the age-long minute

While Thou art silent and the wind is shrill;

Can the boat sink while Thou, dear Lord, art in it?

Can the heart faint that waiteth on Thy will.

-Amy Carmichael

Mom sent this to me after I called her with the news. I love Amy Carmichael. Her life was so inspiring to me. Mom knows just what I am going through since she’s been there, done that, come through on the other side. This word from Amy Carmichael is a good reminder that I am not alone in this storm. He’s with me. I choose to cling to Him. So glad He’s in the boat with me through this storm.

Mostly I am in shock. I really don’t know what to think or feel. I am blessed by how family and friends have been so wonderful pull around our family and offer help and encouragement. What a blessing they are to me! I am so thankful for all ya’ll. :-)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A few weeks ago, I had a God-intervention. Some friends had gathered around me to pray for healing for my hurt foot, and it ended up being prayer for something else entirely, as led by the Holy Spirit. God revealed some yucky stuff that I had been holding on to- resentment and bitterness towards God, along with unfulfilled desires that had festered and become something dark and binding in my spirit. The root of it was my fear of not being provided for financially and the fact that I so desperately was longing for my husband to have a job and be able to provide for our family. It was extremely humbling to have all my dirty laundry aired in front of my friends. It was also painful to expose the wound , repent of the sin and to GET REAL. After it was all over, I felt chastised, cleaned up and peaceful. I also felt like I had received a major spiritual spanking. It was necessary and I was glad it was done, but whew, I was also so glad when it was over!

Upon reflection with my husband Tov, he reminded me of what shepherds do with a lamb that consistently wanders. They will break the lamb's leg and then carry the lamb everywhere they go. The end result is that the lamb becomes completely bonded to the shepherd and once healed, will go everywhere the shepherd goes and not even dream of wandering away ever again. Tov commented that he felt my God-intervention was a form of leg-breaking from the Lord. Ouch! He was right on the mark, I believe. It started a new chapter in my life.

I am choosing to move forward, leaving behind bitterness towards God. Wanting my hubby to have a job is not sinful, but it had become an idol for me. I was worshiping that idea and seeking it with my whole heart, instead of seeking God. Yikes! It sure isn't easy, but I am daily seeking to trust my Daddy in Heaven with our finances and our future. Feels kind of like stepping off of a cliff. Or maybe like letting a Shepherd carry me wherever He wants, instead of choosing my own path. Hmmm....

Psalm 73:23-24

New International Version (NIV)

²³ Yet I am always with you; (whether I want to be or not!)
you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Tov told me that we could not afford to pay our mortgage this month. It makes me feel so horrible. I’ve been crying and fighting the urge to have a pity party. Today’s Bible reading in my email?

Psalm 131:1-3
Childlike Trust in the LORD.
A Song of Ascents, of David.
1 O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty ; Nor do I involve myself in great matters, Or in things too difficult for me. 2 Surely I have composed and quieted my soul ; Like a weaned child rests against his mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me. 3 O Israel, hope in the LORD From this time forth and forever .

My Daddy has such a sense of humor!!!! And He is so timely. Help me to trust, Daddy. Please help me. I am weak. I need your strength. I love You, Daddy. I choose to trust You. Give me grace to stay in that place of trusting You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Had something enlightening happen yesterday. Tov was gone nearly all day, so I was on my own with the kids. Sephina and I had a very difficult day. She is going through a phase of being extremely argumentative or downright rebellious, ignoring me. Many times when I ask her to do something, she counters with what feels like a dozen reasons why she needs to do it her way instead of my way. Yikes! I was exasperated and lost it a couple times with her. It made me want to medicate with food. I was able to see the connection, which was oh, so cool! I am so happy to finally have my eyes opening to the reasons that I abuse food!

1) Sephina fought me, pushed at me, ignored me, etc. for nearly the entire day.
2) I felt worn down, frustrated, helpless, out of control of the situation.
3) I wanted to eat:
- to calm myself
- to take my mind of the unpleasantness
- to feel in control of something
- to reward myself for surviving a difficult day, on top of the ovarian condition!
4) I think I handled it well. I did eat one square of chocolate in frustration, but that is so much better than a binge or a whole cake!!!!!
5) I went to bed feeling ill at ease, tight inside my heart, uncomfortable emotionally, frustrated still with Sephi
6) I didn’t realize #5 until I woke up Sunday morning.
7) I laid in bed before getting up and repented for anger, etc., toward Sephi, asked God’s forgiveness and felt my chest ease up, felt peace begin to return.

I am so excited that I was:
- able to recognize the connection between negative emotions and a desire to binge
- able to stop the binge before it started, really
- able to recognize the way I felt in my heart before getting up
- able to deal with the toxic emotions with God to get right and experience God’s peace again, and to start the day with a fresh attitude toward my sweet little girl! :-)

Thank You so much, Daddy, for helping me work through this! It is truly amazing and wonderful and awe-some what You are doing for me and through me and in me. Thank You, thank You, thank You soooo much!!!!!! :- )

Bible thought from yesterday, Saturday-
Romans 8:24 For we are saved by hope; but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man sees, why does he yet hope for?

Saved by hope? Really? I had forgotten this Scripture. I remember “saved by faith,” or “there is no other name under Heaven by which we are saved” (i.e. Jesus). This caught me by surprise. I think it is doubly cool because my necklace from LIFL has the word HOPE on it. Jesus is my hope, and He is daily giving me hope for a better life, a life of peace and joy in Him, a life free from food addiction, a life free from emotional bondage.

The word Saturday from Jesus Calling was all about this being a time of abundance from God and that I need to not feel guilty for receiving His blessings, but to just gratefully enjoy them! I thought it was so funny, in the sense that we are so in need of His financial abundance just now. ;-) However, I do feel particularly rich in spiritual blessings just now, so I will choose to receive all that abundance that our Daddy in Heaven wants to give us! I will also have HOPE in God’s abundant provision for all our physical needs at this time!!!!!

Bible thought today-
Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Spirit.

More hope? Again? Might my Daddy in Heaven be focusing me on this word for a reason? Must be! I agree, prayerfully, with this verse. May it be so in my own life, Abba, and in my hubby’s life as well! My life before LIFL seems so hopeless. Now I feel so hope-filled. I have hope for tomorrow. I have hope that my Daddy is doing something wonderful behind the scenes. I have hope that I will be healed and get healthy physically, for the first time in my life! I have hope that I will be free from food addiction! I have hope that God will provide for every need. I have hope that God will do a new thing between me and Tov and make us one, truly unified spiritually, as we have been otherwise in the last few, or perhaps several, years. I have hope that as Tov and I become more united in purpose together with our Daddy, that something momentous is just around the corner!!!!!!!! I have hope that God will equip me to homeschool my children properly. I have hope for healthier relationships with family and friends. I have hope that I will stop being nice-nice and be real, with love. So many good things are coming. I can feel them! Thank You, Daddy!

Prayer request: Please, Daddy, give Tov and me insight into how to discipline and love Sephina. She is such a spitfire, so creative, so much MORE than I know how to handle. We choose to lean on You and ask You for wisdom, guidance and grace in raising her up to be a Godly woman. I want to lead her, not crush her. Help us to know how to do this with gentleness and creativity! Thank You, Abba, for hearing and answering!

Feels so good to get this out and on paper! Yea! :-)

November 11, 2011

I don’t feel angry with my Daddy in Heaven today. I feel at peace. I feel like I am in a place of trusting God with my daily needs and not worried about tomorrow. It feels wonderful. Thank You, Daddy, for this sense of peace! I feel like there are some large things looming on the horizon that I do not know how to handle:
1) Kids homeschooling- me, or Tov or teamwork? Socialization? How to get on a schedule...
2) Returning to Herbergers/foot problems- Monday is MRI, supposed to communicate w/managers on Tuesday. Don’t have a clue what to do. Feeling very distracted by current condition with ovaries!
3) Income/Employment- part time, full time, at home, away? Look for other job? Do nothing and just pray and wait?

These things are too lofty for me, Daddy. I feel I have no clue had to handle them. I ask You, in Jesus’ name to handle them, to direct Tov and me about decisions that do need to be made. If there is something I need to be doing today in regard to these issues, please impress it on my heart and mind and lead me in the way in which You want me to walk. I choose not to worry, but to trust You to guide me. I am confident that You will not play tricks on me, that You will lead me in a way that is clear and not confusing. I trust You, Daddy. I love You. Thank You for being a good Daddy.

Isaiah 26:1-3
In that day shall this song be sung in the land of Judah; We have a strong city; salvation (Yeshua) will God appoint for walls and bulwarks. Open you the gates, that the righteous nation which keeps the truth may enter in. You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You: because he trusts in You. Trust you in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength.

Ooooh- I love this passage! It was part of the devotional I read today in Jesus Calling, to read Isaiah 26:3, but I read the previous verses, too, and got something good!

In the first verse, I love the bit about salvation being the walls and the bulwark. FYI, Merriam Webster says a bulwark is: a) a solid wall-like structure raised for defense : rampart or b) : breakwater, seawall : a strong support or protection

The word for salvation in Hebrew is Yeshua, which means God will save us and is the literal name of Jesus, Who is our salvation, thus a play on words. Anyway, I just LOVE the idea that God is making Jesus a wall of support and protection around us. Wow! What an amazing, wonderful image! I am picturing Jesus surrounding me wherever I go. Nothing can get to me that hasn’t passed through Him first. This means if something does get to me, God has allowed it for a purpose. It might be something horrible, because we live in a fallen world and this sure isn’t Eden! Until we get to Heaven, horrible things will happen at times. Just think of how many times things were stopped by my “Jesus wall!” Think of how many times I have been protected and haven’t even known it!

Back to the idea of if something gets to me, it has passed through my “Jesus wall” first. I need to train myself to not react with outrage or disbelief or horror when something yucky or awful happens. I need to train myself to take a minute to step back and say, “My loving Daddy in Heaven is allowing this for a reason. What does He want me to learn from this? Am I clinging more closely to Him in response? Am I depending on Him to get me through this? Am I trusting His heart, even though I can’t understand the WHY behind this event? Or am I having a trantrum, kicking and screaming about why He is allowing me to suffer? Am I railing in doubt and unbelief at the first sign of trouble? Am I fighting the very thing God wants to use to make me of greater use to Him?”

Pretty heavy stuff to consider.

Abba, please change my heart and get me to a place where I trust You to protect me, where I trust You even when you do not protect me from something unpleasant or horrible. Change my heart so that my first instinct is to turn to You, cling to You, hope in You alone, instead of bumping along, frustrated, anchorless. I purpose and choose to trust in You to be my wall of protection, my support and my peace. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

November 10, 2011

This scripture has been surfacing for me again and again over the years of following Him. It means something a little different to me each time God brings it back to my awareness.

Psalm 131 (NIV)
My heart is not proud, LORD,my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content.
Israel, put your hope in the LORD both now and forevermore.

I realized that for years I have been chasing after distractions (food, computer games, silly books, TV, etc) in order to take my mind of my anger/fear/problems with life and God. Lose It For Life opened my eyes to see this for the first time. Since I've been home, I've had plenty of time to go back to distracting ways, but God has been helping me to not go down that road, but to be content with sitting and thinking. I didn't realize how much I missed contemplation and reflection. It feels so good to do it again, and I feel less angry at God just taking the time to be quiet and listen to storms raging in my brain so I can sort through the mess and connect with my Daddy in Heaven in a genuine way. I am saying, "Ahhhhh...." Such relief, such peace in relaxing in our Daddy's arms.

Here's the thing- a breast-feeding baby sometimes has trouble being content when in its mommy's arms. It is always seeking nourishment or pacification from Mommy. It can't enjoy just being in Mommy's arms because there is a drive to get ones' needs met. The weaned child is able to just sit on Mommy's lap, completely fulfilled, enjoying Mommy's presence and love. I feel like God is having me do that with Him now. I can't do much since I am feeling pain and weakness. All I can really do is seek distraction or sit on my Daddy's lap and enjoy His presence. He's helping me to be content and enjoy Him right now, this minute, and it is a beautiful thing.