Happy April Fool's Day and a Public Declaration....

April 1, 2014

Don't faint. I've decided to start blogging again. I know. It's been a really long time. Like, nearly three years long! What happened was that someone I respected told me I should stop posting such personal stuff on the internet. I see the wisdom in this- I really do. Despite this, I feel like blogging is a wonderful outlet for me and my emotional detritus. I need to work through stuff, and I feel like it's only fair if I can help some folks avoid making the same goofy mistakes I made, by learning from my failures and God's victories. 

A few major events have happened in my life in the last several months. The first was that God did a miracle and made a way for us to keep our home in November of 2013. For more than two years, we lived week to week, expecting to find a letter in the mail any day telling us we had to move out. That's what should have happened. That was what we deserved. After all, we were completely unable to pay our mortgage due to health issues and joblessness for two years. Then, out of the blue, God poured out a giant-sized bucket of mercy and grace on us and let us keep our house! Hooray! Yee-haw! Amazing!!!!! Unbelievable, truly. We were so blessed and shocked that it took me weeks to actually believe it was really happening. :-) 

The next event which occurred was not so happy. I lost my sweet, beautiful, wonderful, kind, loving, generous, amazing mother to ovarian cancer on January 6, 2014. Most people don't make it five years with the type of cancer she had, but she held on for 5 and half years. She was a fighter filled with incredible courage, as well as hope in her Savior. She never raged. She never complained. She just trusted her Abba and rested in Him. We were heart-broken to lose her and caught off-guard. She was so strong, up until the last two weeks, that we just couldn't imagine her dying. Yet she slipped quietly away in her bed in the hospice care center in the middle of the night, with her beloved Randy by her side. I miss her every single day. She was my dearest girl friend. I'm so, so sorry that she is gone, but I am so grateful to know that she is in a place of perfect peace and joy and she would NEVER choose to return to this earth if she had the choice to make. Where she is, is the place we were all created to experience. Heaven is our destiny and our hope. And now I long for it quite a bit more, knowing she is waiting there for me. I miss you, Mama. So much. 

The next life-changing event is definitely less sad, but still very challenging. My stepfather Randy, whom I call Papa, has laid down a challenge for me to lose 100 pounds in the next two years. I have always struggled with my weight, but the last few years, with all the financial and emotional stress, have helped me pack on the weight to an extreme degree. My sweet Mama was always concerned about my weight and had encouraged me in every possible way to pursue good health over the years. I know it was important to her that I get to healthy weight, so I could live a long and happy life, and so I could be a good example to my children. Knowing that, and taking to heart my Papa's challenge, I have decided that this is the time. I am going to take life by the horns. I am not going to let food master me any more; instead I will master it. I am choosing to fight back and take control and do something about my health and my weight! 

I have kind of a crunchy-granola approach to nutrition at this point, as I've been learning the value of eating whole, unprocessed foods and avoiding white sugar and flour and other empty calories. I've gotten to love eating coconut oil and chia seeds. I make my own kefir water. We drink unprocessed milk. We're not exactly typical Americans when it comes to food, so I knew it would take a special program to meet my needs. I sought wisdom from my sister Heather in TN, who is a bottomless well of information regarding all things nutritionally sound. She recommended to me a program called Trim Healthy Mamas, which allows you take whatever nutritional approach you choose, as long as you follow their principles for meal planning. I will be free to enjoy my coconut oil and chia seeds all day long! Yea! I ordered the book and am anxiously awaiting the arrival of this 600 page tome! It's written by two Aussie sisters who love Jesus and it's totally a grass-roots success, all self-published, with amazing results for thousands of women!  

I am also committing to a fitness program to get in shape. In the past, when I've lost weight, exercise has always been a critical factor. I an already doing walks outside or on the treadmill several times a week and Pilates (for lower body and back) and weights (for arms) three times a week. I have also spoken to a dear friend who is a personal trainer. Papa had offered to pay for a fitness/diet plan, so I asked if I could hire her to be my trainer and accountability person through this weight loss process. Instead, she told me she could not take my money, but that she really wants to help me for free because of our friendship. What a blessing! :-) She has been a personal trainer for many years and helped hundreds of people achieve their weight and fitness goals. I am so excited to have someone like her on board with me, pulling alongside me. 

The final huge event in my life in recent days has been my acceptance to nursing school at Inver Hills Community College. 250 people applied and only 50 were chosen. I am humbled and delighted to be one of the 50 people beginning nursing school this August! I can hardly wait. Meanwhile, I am taking Microbiology and Medical Anthropology this spring and tutoring at school 16 hours a week. I also work as a nursing assistant doing home health care and filling in occasionally at a local Memory Care facility. Three part time jobs and school and kids. It's really keeping me busy! 

I guess that's all I've got to say for now. I just needed to put this truth out into the world, to make this an official turning point in my life. Father, give me the grace I need to daily to live a healthy life, and to only eat to nourish my body. I cling to You. You are my hope and my help and my assurance of victory. Thank You, Abba, for your extreme grace and for all you are doing in my life. You are amazing! And please tell my Mom I said hello and give her a hug from me. I miss her so much. 

Thanksgiving Day November 24, 2011

I'm thinking of being thankful what with the holiday and all. I decided to post some writings that have got me thinking.

“Thankfulness is not an emotion. It is a decision of the heart.“ - Pr. Larry Ollison

From the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young:
Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity. That is why I have instructed you to give thanks for everything. There is an element of mystery in this transaction. You give Me thinks (regardless of your feelings), and I give you Joy (regardless of your circumstances). This is spiritual act of obedience- at times, blind obedience. To people who don’t know Me intimately, it can seem irrational and even impossible to thank Me for heartrending hardships. Nonetheless, those who obey Me in this way are invariably blessed, even though difficulties may remain.
Thankfulness opens your heart to My Presenece and your mind to My thoughts. You may still be in the same place, with the same set of circumstances, but it is as if a light has been switched on, enabling you to see form My perspective. It is this Light of My Presence that removes the sting from adversity.

My thoughts:
I want God’s presence in my life today and every day. If thankfulness will help accomplish that, then I am more than willingly to pursue it! It’s easy to be thankful for the things that are delightful and pleasurable in my life- my kind, nurturing husband who loves Jesus, my sweet, lovely children who bring me daily joy, my wonderful friends and family who make me feel so cherished, the love of God that flows so easily through all these relationships and reminds me that I am precious to Him and that I have an eternal destiny with Him.

And now, the tough stuff...I purpose and choose to be thankful for all things going on in my life today. I choose to be thankful for the cold I have that is preventing good sleep and for the mass that may be cancer. I choose to be thankful for our financial situation and for my husband’s joblessness. I choose to be thankful for the Great Unknown that is our future just now. I choose to be thankful that my Daddy in Heaven is in control and I AM NOT!

I ask You, Father, to help me to maintain an attitude of gratitude daily for the easy things and the difficult things in my life. I want to feel Your presence invading my life in all areas, the tough as well as the wonderful. By Your Spirit Daddy, change my hard-hearted resentments into thankfulness to You. I need Your intervention! Switch on Your light and shine into my life, illuminating Your handiwork. Thank You, Daddy for all You are doing and for hearing my prayers. Thank You most of all, for being such a good Father to me and all your children.

November 21, 2011

I have this one precious friend who has been a major source of encouragement to me. Let’s call her Deb. Deb has been there to turn my eyes to the Lord during difficult times. She is one of those people I know I could call any time day or night to ask for prayer. She is unbelievably kind and generous. I’ve known her about five years or so. I appreciate her friendship greatly. There is a problem, though. She is not always real with me.

A few years ago, we were both going through an incredibly difficult time. Both of us had specific people in our lives who were creating stress for us. I would have some good days, but many bad days. On a bad day, I was filled with despair and depression. I sometimes had suicidal thoughts (not a plan, just a thought). I was angry with God and this person and utterly frustrated. I remember going to Deb’s house and asking her how she got through it. She had nothing negative to say. Only pure joy and delight in God, total confidence that all was going according to His plan. She said she couldn’t get through without her daily time with God. That was what kept her afloat.

Here’s the thing. I left her house feeling like a total failure because I wasn’t as chipper as she was. I had two children under the age of three. I didn’t have time/quiet/space/energy to have quality time with God. I could not believe she never felt discouraged or sad. I thought it meant I was a big, huge failure at being a good daughter of God. I was happy for her, but devastated for me.

Fast forward to a couple months ago. Deb heard that I had injured my foot at work and wanted to come pray for me and let our kids play together. We had a wonderful time together. The best part? She made an admission to me. She told me that when she had gone through that stressful situation years earlier, she was absolutely furious with that person. She had major anger and could not communicate with that person at all in a healthy way. Huh? Say what? This was going on under the surface when we had our super happy get-togethers years earlier? Why didn’t she let on?

Even though I’m not in that same place of despair today, I still felt a huge relief and release in knowing that she had not truly been as perfectly happy as she appeared to be. Later, upon reflection, I thought about how sad it was that she had not been totally honest with me when she was going through the tough times. How much more refreshing and healing and encouraging it would have been if we had been real with each other!!!! Instead of leaving feeling defeated, I could have left having shared my burden with someone who understood how I felt, who was going through the same thing.

This reflection motivates me. It motivates me to call my friends on it when they are being plastic. I don’t want fake relationships. I don’t want spiritual cosmetics! It also motivates me to be real and transparent with others when it is appropriate. Healing, growth and genuine friendship can not happen if we are being fake with each other. Let’s get real!

Proverbs 27:6
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.

November 20, 2011

My Lose It For Life conference brought home for me that pain is good. Pain is a necessary part of life. It’s a necessary part of discipline. It’s crucial to experience pain in order to grow, to get healthier, to exist on this earth. The pain makes the beauty sweeter somehow. The pain is a teacher, a tool in the hand of the Master sculptor as He shaves off the bits that need to go so that we can be beautiful in His eyes.

I remember a story I once read of how someone was lauding Michelangelo on his formidable sculpting talents. His response was to say that he only revealed the beauty that was hiding in the rock. He removed the unnecessary pieces so the true art within was revealed to the eyes of all. His artist’s eye saw the potential within and his hand alone was capable of bringing forth that indescribable beauty that had been there all along.

“In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.” -Michelangelo

So it is with the Divine Artist. Our Father’s hand is reaching out to us. His touch often brings pain as He shaves off the “rough walls” that are imprisoning the beauty of the His Spirit living in us. Do we want to walk around on this earth avoiding pain, making comfort our god, enjoying pleasures only, never growing, never leaving behind that which is childish, sinful, ugly, or putrefying? I have walked that walk. The pleasure may last for a season, but the result is a kind of crippling malaise and deep dissatisfaction with life. There is some level of understanding that too much of “good” thing makes us sick.

Pain is a requirement of moving forward and embracing God’s work in our lives. What an unpleasant revelation! But so necessary! It bring to mind Romans chapter six.

From Romans 6:

Believers Are Dead to Sin, Alive to God

1 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? 2 May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it? 3 Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death? 4 Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life. 5 For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection, 6 knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin; 7 for he who has died is freed from sin.

The divine beauty of God’s Spirit came to reside within each of us when we surrendered our lives to the Father and embraced forgiveness through Jesus’ sacrifice. The death and crucifixion required of us is the hand of our Father in Heaven scraping away that which is sinful, superfluous, no longer appropriate, that which obscures the beauty of His life in us. The body of sin must be removed by His patient sculpting so that we “might walk in newness of life” along with Jesus. That newness of life is the true beauty that exists within us and can only be revealed by the Master Artist.

Daddy in Heaven, I choose now to submit to the pain that comes from Your hand as You remove the hard stone and reveal Your new life in me. I repent of withholding bits of myself from Your careful sculpting. I repent of seeking comfort instead of truth and new life in You. Please take me over completely and do whatever You need to do. I embrace Your work in my life. I long to see the beauty of Your Spirit revealed in me. Please give me the grace to stay in that place of surrender daily. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

November 19, 2011

It's taken a few days to be ready to have something to say. The following is real. It is not sanitized. It is not about what I "SHOULD" say. If you are faint of heart and can't handle me being real, please don't read it. Consider yourself warned.

I am feeling just fine about the mass and all it’s associated issues. The very worst that happens? I die and get to go to Heaven. That’s fabulous for me. Terrible for Tov and kids and other family. The second worst- it’s cancer and I have to get chemo and I probably lose 30 pounds. That’s not so bad either. Sure, chemo is awful, I’d be exhausted and sick, but I’d sure love to lose the weight!

I told this all to Tov last night and had him laughing. The worst case scenarios aren’t that bad in my case. I truly do feel peaceful about it. I told Tov that I wondered if something was wrong with me because I don’t feel scared or upset, just at peace. He says I’m doing just fine. :-)

I've hesitated to post anything because I've been waiting to feel something other than peaceful about the situation. What wait any more? So I'm not.

On another note, guess what Scripture my Dad emailed to me yesterday? You got it- Psalm 131 yet again. Do you think maybe God's trying to get something through to me?

A song of ascents. Of David.

¹ My heart is not proud, LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
² But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.

³ Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

The message I'm getting- I need to quiet myself as I go through this and trust the Lord completely. He is my hope. He is the source of everything I need. He's my Daddy. I'm going to sit in His arms and let Him carry wherever He wants to take me. No more running away. No more hiding. No more seeking to be in control, to do it my way. His way alone. Total acceptance on my part.

Help me to be still, Daddy. Give me grace to rest in Your arms and to go willingly wherever You want to take me. Give me the strength to trust You and the quiet spirit that I need in order to remain still in Your arms.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Last night I was told by my doctor that I have a mass behind my uterus. It appears to have grown between the ultrasound at the ER last week Monday and my CT scan this past Tuesday. It’s measuring at 6 by 6 by 9 cm. That’s about the size of a medium aspirin bottle, maybe a little longer. They don’t know if it’s attached to my ovaries or to my uterus. It has to come out immediately. Due to my risk factors (Mom being Ovarian cancer survivor, Dad being Ashkanazi Jewish) and due to my elevated CA 125 test, there is a risk of it being malignant. Maybe a 50% chance.

Thou art the Lord who slept upon the pillow.

Thou art the Lord who soothed the furious sea,

What matter beating wind and tossing billow

If only we are in the boat with Thee?

Hold us in quiet through the age-long minute

While Thou art silent and the wind is shrill;

Can the boat sink while Thou, dear Lord, art in it?

Can the heart faint that waiteth on Thy will.

-Amy Carmichael

Mom sent this to me after I called her with the news. I love Amy Carmichael. Her life was so inspiring to me. Mom knows just what I am going through since she’s been there, done that, come through on the other side. This word from Amy Carmichael is a good reminder that I am not alone in this storm. He’s with me. I choose to cling to Him. So glad He’s in the boat with me through this storm.

Mostly I am in shock. I really don’t know what to think or feel. I am blessed by how family and friends have been so wonderful pull around our family and offer help and encouragement. What a blessing they are to me! I am so thankful for all ya’ll. :-)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A few weeks ago, I had a God-intervention. Some friends had gathered around me to pray for healing for my hurt foot, and it ended up being prayer for something else entirely, as led by the Holy Spirit. God revealed some yucky stuff that I had been holding on to- resentment and bitterness towards God, along with unfulfilled desires that had festered and become something dark and binding in my spirit. The root of it was my fear of not being provided for financially and the fact that I so desperately was longing for my husband to have a job and be able to provide for our family. It was extremely humbling to have all my dirty laundry aired in front of my friends. It was also painful to expose the wound , repent of the sin and to GET REAL. After it was all over, I felt chastised, cleaned up and peaceful. I also felt like I had received a major spiritual spanking. It was necessary and I was glad it was done, but whew, I was also so glad when it was over!

Upon reflection with my husband Tov, he reminded me of what shepherds do with a lamb that consistently wanders. They will break the lamb's leg and then carry the lamb everywhere they go. The end result is that the lamb becomes completely bonded to the shepherd and once healed, will go everywhere the shepherd goes and not even dream of wandering away ever again. Tov commented that he felt my God-intervention was a form of leg-breaking from the Lord. Ouch! He was right on the mark, I believe. It started a new chapter in my life.

I am choosing to move forward, leaving behind bitterness towards God. Wanting my hubby to have a job is not sinful, but it had become an idol for me. I was worshiping that idea and seeking it with my whole heart, instead of seeking God. Yikes! It sure isn't easy, but I am daily seeking to trust my Daddy in Heaven with our finances and our future. Feels kind of like stepping off of a cliff. Or maybe like letting a Shepherd carry me wherever He wants, instead of choosing my own path. Hmmm....

Psalm 73:23-24

New International Version (NIV)

²³ Yet I am always with you; (whether I want to be or not!)
you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.